Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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