I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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