He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize