Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
