he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
