Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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