Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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