hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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