I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
