Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize