Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
