I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
