My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
