im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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