So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Randomize
