think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize