New low: just hacked my moms facebook
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
