I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
