I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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