For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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