There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
