my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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