Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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