Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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