fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
drinking out of a sandbucket again
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Blood and glitter go together right?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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