I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
