I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
