Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
