Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Why is your signature on my underwear?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
