If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Randomize
