Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
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