exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize