Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
