i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
