You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Randomize
