Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
