Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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