It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
