i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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