I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
