Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
The dick lei will go down in squad history
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
