I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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