Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Small penises have feelings too.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
organizing the empties. That sober.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
