Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
