I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
where does the pee come out of this thing
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
