Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize