All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
