Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
