We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
