I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
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