When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
