I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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