I accidentally had phone sex last night
People in love make me want to vomit
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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