i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
