The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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