it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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