I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
no. you can't hotbox the world.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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