and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
